Author: somevariables

ONE THING ABOUT ME… IMMA LISTEN TO MUSIC.

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I want to get as close as I can to understanding why I’m endlessly touched by some things I hear. So here is my care playlist, and why I love the songs so much.

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Deeper – Israel Houghton

Lord I reach for you, lead me to Your heart // Close enough to feel the cadence of Your heart // Break my heart with the things that break Your heart.

Most mornings, I wake up with the first line in my head. Sometimes I reach my arms up, as if I’m about to be lifted out of bed. I feel peace when I hear the instruments at the beginning. To feel the cadence of God’s heart represents closeness to me.

I often lose sight of what is important and must remind myself of the importance of focusing on God. I pray to see things the way He sees them – to have an undoubtedly better perspective of life; one that causes little harm and leaves as much space for grace and love as possible. This song is spirit-filled. When I feel frantic, the intro is enough to calm me and bring me peace. It was on my On Repeat playlist for seven months!

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Be Still – Travis Greene

Chasing your ambition, try your best to be the next star. But if it’s the attention that you really want, then I already know who you are, and I love you that way.

I would be in denial if I said I don’t seek validation from people. I like hearing that I’m doing well, especially if I already believed that about myself. But sometimes I end up chasing perceptions of myself rather than being content in who really am. And adhering to these perceptions often feels like a form of attention-seeking, for I believe it’s possible to focus on my race in an effort to have people notice this focus and admire me, even from afar. This is something I would like to grow out of.

This song reminds me that the only thing I should aspire towards is God – trusting in and loving him, as to chase my ambitions is often to lose sight of the beauty of my present – which is full of things that I prayed for. I end up asking myself where my gratitude is.

While trying my best to be the next ‘star’, God is by my side, where He has always been, telling me that He already knows who I am! If I have that validation, I shouldn’t be seeking any more anywhere else. God is all I need. I remind myself that I am enough, no matter what stage I am in life.

Sometimes I need to be still and appreciate now, with God, who loves my good and bad, rather than carving out a life that exists only to please others and be a star in their eyes.

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Alright – Ledisi

It’s alright.

I have to say to myself; calm down Adefela, it’s alright! You may notice that as a running theme in my posts. Aside from reassuring anyone reading, I am reassuring myself. I always forget that things will be okay. This song reminds me. Its magic lies in the fact that every time I play it, the words feel brand new. That’s what I need to hear.

Most of the lines in the verses end with ‘…but it’s alright.’ and I feel to apply that to my own life. After airing out my fears and frustrations, I pray to end with ‘but it’s alright’. Because that is true.

As I always say, it was fine, it is fine, and it will always be fine. I strive to caveat my assessments of life with the fact that it’s alright.

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Babe Truth – Gaby Duran

I’d be damned if I let these nerves get the best of me // All timing is divinely in alignment and all I could do is my best // Those nerves can’t get to you, unless you let them in, babe don’t let it outweigh. Don’t wait for the remedy, you got everything, you don’t need anything… don’t overcomplicate it.

There’s a balance for me to find between relying on God and showing up for/relying on myself. The Horse, The Man & The Son by Chief Ebenezer Obey says: do your best and leave the rest. What I focus on here is doing my best. It’s my responsibility to work to the max, pushing as hard as I can and leaving the rest to powers above me. But I have to do my best. I just have to.

This song gives me strength when I am anxious about something that’s requiring a lot of me. When I question whether I’ll be strong enough to get through something, I remember that I shouldn’t let those nerves in, and I shouldn’t let them control me. I have everything I need inside of me; my own abilities and God. That will always be enough.

I misheard babe don’t let it outweigh and for a while thought it said they don’t light our way. I like both versions. Don’t let the nerves outweigh the peace, and don’t let them light your path. Instead, l should let hope light my way, not anxiety. For if it were anxiety, I would be scared to move forward. If it were hope, all I’d want to do is move forward. So, I will move forward.

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The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill – Ms. Lauryn Hill

Deep in my heart, the answer it was in me. And I made up my mind to define my own destiny.

I try to focus on the value of what’s inside of me. This includes what I was born with, and what I learn and nurture daily. My love for this song is self-explanatory; perhaps I shouldn’t rely on anyone but myself and God, who lives inside of me, (hence my answer being inside) to define my destiny. I shouldn’t let blame take over my mind, shifting responsibility to everything but myself.

My biggest battle with this is to not be overly self-dependent, and to ask for help when need it. That’s a balance I am still finding.

Regardless, strength builds up inside me when listen to this song. When I was unsure of who I was and what I wanted, the answer was inside of me. When I was low and confused and lost, my answers were inside of me. And they still are. All I ever had to do was pay attention to myself and listen to what my heart identified as my truths, both ugly and beautiful. As I wake these answers up, I define my own destiny because I’m learning about who I am and using that knowledge to steer me down the path that was always meant for me. Now I’m understanding what’s mine!

I spoke about this more in a podcast episode, have a listen: https://anchor.fm/soyoucanrelate/episodes/13–Deep-in-my-heart–the-answer-it-was-in-me-er2oks

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Strength, Courage and Wisdom – India Arie

It’s time to step out on faith, I gotta show my face // Strength, courage, and wisdom, it’s been inside of me all along.

Intelligence is one of my biggest insecurities. I don’t want people to think I’m dumb. At some point I realised this was more of a projection if anything; I simply didn’t believe that I was smart. Any achievement I had didn’t mean anything to me, nor did affirmations from others. When I had exams this year, my battle with intelligence was tougher than it had ever been. It was close to a certain exam when this song came on shuffle and just like The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, it revealed to me that strength, courage and wisdom are inside of me and have always been. Wisdom has always been inside of me.

The battle to genuinely believe this is scary, and for too long I’ve let this battle tell me that I’m not smart. But instead of cowering away as I have always done, I had faith that I could feel as intelligent as I have always desired, and I showed my face, because it mattered to me. I turned up, I tried, and I fought against the thoughts telling me that what I knew wasn’t enough. I kept listening to this song until I finally believed it. My answers are inside, and so is my wisdom. I got an A in that exam.

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God Morning – Natalie Lauren

Today I will show up for myself.

This links to Strength, Courage and Wisdom. Simply put, no one can be relied on to constantly show up for me. But as long as I am living, I have a chance to show up for myself. If I gave someone the responsibility to do something for me and they didn’t do it, I would be sad that they didn’t show up for me. They had one job, why couldn’t they just do it? I realised that if I had the right to be mad at them, I had the responsibility to not do it to myself. Why should I tolerate letting myself down when I don’t tolerate others letting me down? Do I not care about myself and my dreams?

I say, the least you could do is show up for yourself, Adefela. So now, I do. Sometimes doing this is hard because I am human, but it’s still at the back of my mind. Get out of bed when I don’t feel like it: show up. Self-care when I feel sad and need a refresh: show up. Pray when I feel like no one is listening to me: show up. Reply that email because it’s for my own good: show up. Chase my dreams because other people are chasing theirs and it’s not their responsibility to look out for mine: show up.

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Victory – Janelle Monae

Today I feel so troubled deep inside, I wish the tears would roll back in my eyes. Will I rise? I’ll keep singing songs until the pain goes.

Expression is special with this song as on this occasion, I was unable to express what I was feeling. But I realised that my heart was singing when I pressed play. This song played out of it, as if each beat was a note. It’s an experience I’d never had before, and I’m glad that I now have access to it. This poem explains it better: When will I cry.

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That’s it! My care playlist.

• Deeper – Israel Houghton
• Be Still – Travis Greene
• Alright – Ledisi
• Babe Truth – Gaby Duran
• The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill – Ms. Lauryn Hill
• Strength, Courage and Wisdom – India Arie
• God Morning – Natalie Lauren
• Victory – Janelle Monae

If I’m listening to these songs I’m probably in my feelings, which is most of the time. But that’s okay! These songs bring peace, clarity, solution, stillness, joy and assurance. Of course I listen to them all the time ❤ .

“Good. As much as life is unpredictable, it can be predicable too. And I predict that you will be okay, LIKE YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.”

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To say I never want to look back and regret is ambitious. I know I will. However, that is expected. Regret is no longer a surprise to me, neither is disappointment, (perceived) failure, or any anti-climax I experience.

I can’t figure out if that is making me more intuitive, or simply numb to the storms of life. But whatever.

Looking back is special to me because it has brought me calm, clarity and acceptance.

I’ve written about it countless times before; at this point it’s a regurgitation of a well-known fact to me. But I keep on saying it because it means everything.

Hindsight is important because it presents this truth to you:

Everything will be okay, it always has been, it is, and it always will be. Your past present and future are covered, because you have survived everything you have ever been through, and you will continue to do so. You have to believe this.

In light of this truth, you should allow yourself to feel peace.

But, I am not naïve. I accept the fact that life sometimes disappoints.  Yet that is the least of my worries nowadays, and I thank God for that.

It goes beyond the scope of learning from my mistakes. It’s the simple acceptance that life will do what it wants. Sometimes that’s what we want, and other times it isn’t. I just believe we should accept whatever happens.

Afterall, for something to “happen” is what is expected. “Happening” is neutral, it’s just a fact. How we interact with this fact is what’s most important.

Life happens and happens and happens – it’s been happening, yet it’s been fine.

Dare I say that in retrospect, I didn’t need to worry as much as I ever did? Nerves and anxiety are normal of course, but the fact that things turn out fine in the long run (no matter how long the run is) is a bit more of a reason to relax now, when current “happenings” are worrying and plaguing my mind.

“Wasn’t everything okay last time Adefela?” I ask myself. To which I answer yes, it was.

“Good. As much as life is unpredictable, it can be predicable too. And I predict that you will be okay, like you always have been.”

Put your name there.

That’s the conversation I should have with myself now. The blessing of hindsight is in my possession. I will use whatever it takes to remind myself of that, and to calm myself when I feel like this “happening” may just kill me. It probably won’t.

I nod my head thinking, good, I’ll keep on trying. And I thank God for the reassurance of everything being fine.

GIVE IN TO A GOOD THING WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT, BECAUSE NOW IS HERE.

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I have a list of things I want to write about. It’s been piling up for a while. This is at the top, it should be something close to this:

I don’t want to get into my issues too much. Although I like to explore a lot on my blog, I have a diary for a reason – for the deeper issues that must be dealt with behind closed doors.

But this one can slide. I’m trying to move past cycles of self-deprivation. I wonder if other people postpone their pleasure until they have achieved or received something; until they feel like they’re there, wherever there is.

Put simply, I keep on waiting for things to become complete before I give myself any gratification. Extreme? I don’t do it for everything all the time, but I do it enough to notice. Perhaps this is difficult to write because I haven’t thought of a way around it, other than to stop doing it. Or at least, do it less.

It’s funny how often the solution to something is to simply stop, or start.

Note to self: Give in to rewards and self-commendation while the situation is ongoing, rather than waiting for it to be complete. It’s probably an indication that I don’t see myself as worthy of some pleasures I have access to, not believing that I deserve them. Neither do I know how to handle them.

Or maybe it’s because I have no self-control and I know I’ll lose my mind if my rewards are not controlled in some way.

But I won’t get lost in thinking about that, because it may turn into a trap of overthinking that stops me from doing anything at all. Sometimes I don’t want to process so much.

I understand that this is a surface-level exploration but as I said, it isn’t my diary.

Yet, perhaps this is identifiable to you.

Stopping and starting are easier than you think. There’s no need to rewrite mental patterns. No call for affirmations and no self-convincing. Just simply giving in to a good thing when you feel like it, because now is here.

I don’t need to reiterate how important balance is despite it all.

But yes, just give in. Sometimes that’s fine.