Postponing my pleasures



I have a list of things I want to write about. It’s been piling up for a while. This is at the top, it should be something close to this:

I don’t want to get into my issues too much. Although I like to explore a lot on my blog, I have a diary for a reason – for the deeper issues that must be dealt with behind closed doors.

But this one can slide. I’m trying to move past cycles of self-deprivation. I wonder if other people postpone their pleasure until they have achieved or received something; until they feel like they’re there, wherever there is.

Put simply, I keep on waiting for things to become complete before I give myself any gratification. Extreme? I don’t do it for everything all the time, but I do it enough to notice. Perhaps this is difficult to write because I haven’t thought of a way around it, other than to stop doing it. Or at least, do it less.

It’s funny how often the solution to something is to simply stop, or start.

Note to self: Give in to rewards and self-commendation while the situation is ongoing, rather than waiting for it to be complete. It’s probably an indication that I don’t see myself as worthy of some pleasures I have access to, not believing that I deserve them. Neither do I know how to handle them.

Or maybe it’s because I have no self-control and I know I’ll lose my mind if my rewards are not controlled in some way.

But I won’t get lost in thinking about that, because it may turn into a trap of overthinking that stops me from doing anything at all. Sometimes I don’t want to process so much.

I understand that this is a surface-level exploration but as I said, it isn’t my diary.

Yet, perhaps this is identifiable to you.

Stopping and starting are easier than you think. There’s no need to rewrite mental patterns. No call for affirmations and no self-convincing. Just simply giving in to a good thing when you feel like it, because now is here.

I don’t need to reiterate how important balance is despite it all.

But yes, just give in. Sometimes that’s fine.

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