Category: Weekly

“Good. As much as life is unpredictable, it can be predicable too. And I predict that you will be okay, LIKE YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.”

***

To say I never want to look back and regret is ambitious. I know I will. However, that is expected. Regret is no longer a surprise to me, neither is disappointment, (perceived) failure, or any anti-climax I experience.

I can’t figure out if that is making me more intuitive, or simply numb to the storms of life. But whatever.

Looking back is special to me because it has brought me calm, clarity and acceptance.

I’ve written about it countless times before; at this point it’s a regurgitation of a well-known fact to me. But I keep on saying it because it means everything.

Hindsight is important because it presents this truth to you:

Everything will be okay, it always has been, it is, and it always will be. Your past present and future are covered, because you have survived everything you have ever been through, and you will continue to do so. You have to believe this.

In light of this truth, you should allow yourself to feel peace.

But, I am not naïve. I accept the fact that life sometimes disappoints.  Yet that is the least of my worries nowadays, and I thank God for that.

It goes beyond the scope of learning from my mistakes. It’s the simple acceptance that life will do what it wants. Sometimes that’s what we want, and other times it isn’t. I just believe we should accept whatever happens.

Afterall, for something to “happen” is what is expected. “Happening” is neutral, it’s just a fact. How we interact with this fact is what’s most important.

Life happens and happens and happens – it’s been happening, yet it’s been fine.

Dare I say that in retrospect, I didn’t need to worry as much as I ever did? Nerves and anxiety are normal of course, but the fact that things turn out fine in the long run (no matter how long the run is) is a bit more of a reason to relax now, when current “happenings” are worrying and plaguing my mind.

“Wasn’t everything okay last time Adefela?” I ask myself. To which I answer yes, it was.

“Good. As much as life is unpredictable, it can be predicable too. And I predict that you will be okay, like you always have been.”

Put your name there.

That’s the conversation I should have with myself now. The blessing of hindsight is in my possession. I will use whatever it takes to remind myself of that, and to calm myself when I feel like this “happening” may just kill me. It probably won’t.

I nod my head thinking, good, I’ll keep on trying. And I thank God for the reassurance of everything being fine.

GIVE IN TO A GOOD THING WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT, BECAUSE NOW IS HERE.

***

I have a list of things I want to write about. It’s been piling up for a while. This is at the top, it should be something close to this:

I don’t want to get into my issues too much. Although I like to explore a lot on my blog, I have a diary for a reason – for the deeper issues that must be dealt with behind closed doors.

But this one can slide. I’m trying to move past cycles of self-deprivation. I wonder if other people postpone their pleasure until they have achieved or received something; until they feel like they’re there, wherever there is.

Put simply, I keep on waiting for things to become complete before I give myself any gratification. Extreme? I don’t do it for everything all the time, but I do it enough to notice. Perhaps this is difficult to write because I haven’t thought of a way around it, other than to stop doing it. Or at least, do it less.

It’s funny how often the solution to something is to simply stop, or start.

Note to self: Give in to rewards and self-commendation while the situation is ongoing, rather than waiting for it to be complete. It’s probably an indication that I don’t see myself as worthy of some pleasures I have access to, not believing that I deserve them. Neither do I know how to handle them.

Or maybe it’s because I have no self-control and I know I’ll lose my mind if my rewards are not controlled in some way.

But I won’t get lost in thinking about that, because it may turn into a trap of overthinking that stops me from doing anything at all. Sometimes I don’t want to process so much.

I understand that this is a surface-level exploration but as I said, it isn’t my diary.

Yet, perhaps this is identifiable to you.

Stopping and starting are easier than you think. There’s no need to rewrite mental patterns. No call for affirmations and no self-convincing. Just simply giving in to a good thing when you feel like it, because now is here.

I don’t need to reiterate how important balance is despite it all.

But yes, just give in. Sometimes that’s fine.

In truth there is no clearer way for me to express how lost I feel sometimes, than describing my current situation with a metaphor that doesn’t pin down a single understanding of what I am going through.

***

I write this under stress and pressure.

My last blog post, On half-developed thoughts, was a struggle to write. Unsurprisingly, it’s hard to focus on non-academic things in the middle of academics. Growing up, education was everything to me, and anything that I perceived as a threat to my grades was hastily avoided.

Over time, I’ve learnt how to balance it all. But this course has made me regress in a way I did not expect. However I am aware that what I label as regression in this moment may eventually turn out to be adjacent to growth, somehow.

In On half-developed thoughts, I was recording the beginning of a mental unravel. Since then I have been building new systems for productivity, and developing avenues of thought to help me adjust to what life currently requires (things that I have never experienced before).

I was concerned with not fully developing thoughts because developing them is what anchors me. I am obsessed with figuring out and understanding myself, so when I was robbed of the time I needed to do that, I felt like I was falling apart.

Now I am telling myself that that was not me falling apart, but in fact old parts of myself falling away.

New clay is being added in their place and a new self is being moulded in the process.

It has become easier to describe my life with metaphors and that’s because I don’t know what is going on. I like metaphors because they are vagueness and uncertainty disguised as the beautiful and abstract. In truth there is no clearer way for me to express how lost I feel sometimes, than describing my current situation with a metaphor that doesn’t pin down a single understanding of what I am going through.

I’m filming content for a YouTube video that I’d like to upload when my course is over. Hopefully, it well-documents the past six months. In the video, I hope to insert readings of the blog posts I will be writing in the upcoming weeks.

Some will say that I am back and some would not have noticed at all. But here I am.

Stay tuned for Postponing my pleasures.

When everything feels contrived and depthless, I believe it’s a call to focus on the sheer unremarkability of life and yourself as an individual.

***

My life looks very different today in comparison with last year. Those words could have come from your mouth. You’ve experienced a lot of change in the last year too.

Sometimes I look out of the window during a lecture, or spend more time than I’d like to admit scrolling through memories and (insert year ago) todays. I watch videos I filmed at uni and I laugh at how young I looked in sixth form. I look back at myself now knowing that I knew so little. Of course, that’s the way life goes.

Time poverty

Every once in a while we become obsessed with time. We come to realisations about it that open our eyes and we want to share it with people. That’s a phase I’m in right now.

I have been thinking about the past, especially now that life is requiring more of me every single day.

Despite them having the same quantitative value, some seconds mean more than others.

I recently saw a TikTok where a woman explained time poverty, which in a nutshell, is having too many things to do and not enough time to do them – or at least what feels like not enough time. I’ll leave it at that.

Pressure

I’m finding it hard to keep up – every week I think things will be less pressurised and easier to deal with. But they all end up as tasking and demanding as each other.

I’m being tugged in different directions by education, relationships, ambitions, my faith, my self-perception, how I feel about my body and the way I look…

Many are threatening my peace of mind and I have already lost the battle a few times.

Writing

I haven’t written a post in a month or so but it feels longer than that, because so much has been crammed into that short horizon of time.

Really, I only write blog posts when I’ve realised something and can articulate it in a way that I’m proud of, and that people can relate to.

But I’ve recently been thrown into the deep end. And the absence of time has means I’ve been less capable of processing and forming my thoughts. I have been waiting for something to come to life but my realisations have been stunted.

This is the most I’ve written in a while.

To be real

A year ago I was finishing 3rd year.

And looking back I still had no solid idea of what I wanted to do with my life. Ironically, if you asked me I would have given an answer that sounded like I knew what I was planning (pandemic considered).

I’m good at bullshitting my way through life. I‘ve been an advocate for faking it till I make it for many years, and I still am. Yet I grow in awe of how this can coexist with striving to remain who you truly are in any and every moment.

I saw a tweet some months ago saying that you know you’re real when you’re not trying to show that you are. You just ‘be’. That’s all.

That’s what I’m trying to do now. When everything feels contrived and depthless, I believe it’s a call to focus on oneself and the sheer unremarkability of life and yourself as an individual.

I have enjoyed that so much. I used to care a lot about upholding perceptions of myself. If someone thought I was interesting I wanted to remain interesting to them.

But now I am happy to become bland in their eyes. If that’s the ebb and flow of my existence then that’s what I should put across to the world, while paying little to no attention to it at all.

To conclude

Is there value in putting effort into things, and creating art with your living? Yes. But it should be authentic. And if you don’t feel like portraying a certain image of yourself, be okay with not doing so and portraying who you are right now with no care for it.

I say that for myself.

These are some half-developed realisations I’ve come to recently. I will have more over time so perhaps I should be okay with not having every thought turn into a perfectly articulated realisation in my eyes.

Psalms 73:25-26

*this reads like a diary entry

My twenties look to me, like they will be full of opportunities and a call to live my life as if it has just begun, because it has.

***

When I reflect on what I was like as a teenager, I see everything I wish I did differently. I see the times where I should have tried harder and when I should have cared less. I see the things that I allowed to affect my confidence and the things I wish I were brave enough to do.

Funnily enough, I also hear a lot from people in their 30s and upwards, reminiscing on their twenties in the same way that I reminisce on my teens. They say things from ‘I was a mess, I had no clue what I was doing.’ to ‘I wish I realised that my decisions weren’t doomed to be set in stone. I wish I worried less, I wish I realised just how young I was.’

I’ve recently put two and two together and I feel like I’ve cracked some sort of code. What is stopping me from treating my twenties like my teens with experience? Here, I have the benefit of vicarious reinforcement mixed with my personal experiences. This realisation feels like a second chance to live as young as I still am, with the freedom I wish I had when I was a teenager. It’s time to turn my ‘I wish I…’ to ‘I will now, because I still have a chance.’

My twenties look to me, like they will be full of opportunities and a call to live my life as if it has just begun, because it has.

I will be 30 years old in nine years’ time. And I will use those nine years to live more fearlessly than I ever did when I was a teenager. And when I turn 30, there will remain so much more life for me to live.

I will not let the fear of how others will perceive or interact with me and anything I produce, to stop me from following my heart with whatever it is that I create. I will not hold myself back in fear and I will not allow hesitation at the sight of the unknown to transform into stagnancy and never giving anything a try.

I will start things and lay them to rest whenever I feel the need to do so, because doing so is not the end of the world. That’s something I learnt in my teens. I will try my hardest to disallow anxiety from ruling my life. That’s something I’ve learnt from those who are older than me. I won’t have a fear of the future because every moment I live is the future and I have always been fine, despite not knowing what any day holds for me.

How blessed are we to have the gift of retrospect mixed with that of vicarious reinforcement! Those who are older are advising me and I am advising myself. In doing so, I am paving a life that is full of endless possibilities, one where I will no longer hold myself back, and where I can continue living a time in my life that I thought was long gone. It’s here right now, it never went anywhere.

I must continue telling myself that my decisions are the beginning rather than the end. I’m not scared of making mistakes. Despite how regret makes me feel when I feel it, I would prefer that feeling to the numbing question of what if.

I have allowed myself to see too many things as final and it’s put obstacles in my path. So, if I am the only person that has ever held me back, I am going to get out of the way!

Are you in your own way?

“Today I realised that when what I do gets no attention, I must consider that perhaps I’ve been doing it for myself all along, and this was necessary – the way it was meant to be.“

***

It’s one of the things that you forget about when it matters the most. You may only remember it at the height of worry, self-hatred and loathing.

You may realise, that a lot of what you dislike about yourself is an indirect result of what you like about other people. For some reason, the presence of their strength only highlights your flaws, as if you’re meant to be two peas in a pod – when really, they are someone you just saw online, or someone in your life who is so similar to you that they might as well be a reflection of you – an incomplete one at that, since right now, you have placed them in a category above yourself. Nonetheless, their proximity to who you are or who you want to be is actually irrelevant. You just forgot that.

You forgot that you should not be intimidated by façades, as much like the people around you, there is a polished version of yourself that you present to the world, the acceptable and most ideal version that is available. Somehow you forgot that other people are also presenting their best, fake, and aspirational selves, and you’re allowing yourself to be intimidated by them!

This is a sad story that we’re familiar with, and if you’re not, I admire you because I’m not there yet. It’s truly frustrating when you forget about what matters when it matters the most. I forget that when I compare myself, I am chipping away at my happiness. I also forget that holding myself back in the fear of failure and disregard is in fact stopping me from ever having anything to hold or improve on.

Today I realised that when what I do gets no attention, I must consider that perhaps I’ve been doing it for myself all along, and this was necessary – the way it was meant to be. This is a way for me to understand that attention doesn’t hold any value, and that not everything I do must be done in the hope for commendation and awe. That’s what matters when there is no one looking my way and I’m consequently being overly critical of myself.

When you’re restricting your potential, what matters is the fact that if you don’t start now, who knows when you will? You should start. What matters when you feel insignificant is the fact that the only noteworthy significance is the one that you acknowledge about yourself. Now it doesn’t matter how people perceive you.

So, do not be intimidated by façades, because what matters in that moment of intimidation is that it is indeed a façade – it is hardly real. And even if it is real, it’s not a cue for you to feel small.

Every time your hope feels lost, shift your focus to what actually matters in the moment. You’ll dispel many myths about who you are and what you should truly be concerned about, and your mind will feel just a bit closer to free.

“all processes are worth trusting, even the ones where everything feels like it’s going wrong because you messed up… This is for the times when life replaces peace with fear in your heart.“

***

The way the past makes me feel has changed a lot over time. Many things I regretted and hated myself for no longer stir up those same emotions inside me. Now, I feel more gratitude, relief, happiness…

Hindsight is a blessing, a beautiful thing. It’s taught me to trust every process that I go through because I may eventually understand why they happened, and realise that it was best for them to have gone the way they did.   

I want you to have this perspective too, if you don’t. Bear with me as I give an example.

Backstory

Parts of my primary school went under reconstruction when I was in year 6. Although summer came before the work was complete, I found myself watching the builders during playtime, so intrigued by their work and how they brought the structure to life. By year 8, this obsession with buildings transformed into a love for architecture. I got so excited at the sight of skyscrapers in Canary wharf, beautifully designed homes on Grand Designs, and renovations on Homes Under The Hammer. I’d decided to become an architect!

But fast forward to sixth form, my love for the career faded away as I constantly failed the subjects that I needed for an architecture undergrad. Besides that, I had no portfolio of work for my applications because I was and still am terrible at drawing (lol); it never excited me. Though I was in denial about it for a while, I finally accepted that my dream was no longer adding up; it wasn’t true to me anymore.

On the phone to a few universities during year 12 exam season, I was reminded that besides 3 A’s, I need a portfolio of my work to gain admission to an architecture course. I looked over at my bed, knowing that I didn’t have what they were asking for – questioning the genuineness of what I’d hoped towards for so long.

Yet on that very bed sat a notebook that I’d been writing in for a while. It held thoughts, flash fiction, and ideas for novels and writing that I wanted to develop. Like an epiphany, it came to me that I’d been working on my portfolio all along – just for the wrong subject. Later that day, I decided to study English literature at university, and soon after I made it a joint honours with creative writing. That was May 2016. In July 2020, I graduated with a 1^st in English with Creative Writing.

What’s my point? (TLDR)

The focus of this story is not the outcome, but the process I went through to get there. The day I made those phone calls, I was anxious. It felt like I had been setting myself up to fail all this time, and this was the finale. Unable to see how my life was going to get better from that point onwards, the situation felt bigger than me and I was beating myself up for not realising my truth earlier.

But too often we forget that life plans to work itself out in its own timing, and we should have faith in this fact. If I could, I would tell my 16-year-old self that my life is not over because I changed my mind about my career path. I’d also add that this process is worth trusting. Realising and accepting my love for writing and absence of such for architecture that day steered me down the correct path at the exact time it was supposed to.

Perceiving ups and downs

I refer to this time in my life because it reminds me that all processes are worth trusting, even the ones where everything feels like it’s going wrong because you messed up – and it did feel that way. This is for the times when life replaces peace with fear in your heart.

No story is without ups and downs. And when we retell them, we speak about the downs knowing that things worked out eventually. Even if they didn’t, they are part of a bigger story that we haven’t finished writing yet.

The value of hindsight

You should trust every process, failure, success, misunderstanding, miscalculation, mistake, the lot, at any stage you encounter them. Believe that they are part of a longer story that is yet to be complete. Zoom out and consider what this could mean in the bigger picture: something beautiful and worthwhile!

It’s time to use hindsight to our advantage when we are in the thick of turmoil. If we know that things can turn out okay in the end because hindsight has taught us so with our past experiences, we can use this knowledge to calm ourselves in the midst of the storm.

We can use it to our advantage and trust every process from now on, believing that things are working out the way that they should; they have done so in the past, and we must have faith that they will continue like this.

Try to accept uncertain times as pivotal segments of your story. I believe that this mindset helps to calm anxiety and fear in moments of overwhelm, reminding us that trusting all processes is the key we need to hold on tight and live through them, fearlessly.

Until next time!

“…life can pull you in different directions all at once, yet still be guiding you down the right path.“

***

Why I am writing this

It’s been a difficult year for most of us, and I feel the need to reemphasise the importance of balance.

In some situations we are helpless; our options for solution are minimal and there’s little we can do to make our problems go away. This is the anthem of a pandemic. Although we have modern medicine and precautions such as quarantine and social distancing, no one can grind a such a crisis to an instant halt.

On the other hand, there are situations where all we need to do is apply ourselves and focus in order to see the change we desire. Yes, you are stuck at home or out of a job, but one day of trying hard to complete an application may be all you need to make the most of what you have during this time.

Not necessarily out of a rut, but building something special inside of it.

The Least

When there is something you want to achieve and there are obstacles to pass over in pursuit of it, trying is the least you could do. That is, for example, starting one part of an application, drafting that email, talking to that person, or simply accepting something to be true.

If someone were to ask, “Well, have you even researched what it takes to [insert interest]?” Your answer should be yes. Because if it weren’t, an immediate response could be, “Trying is the least you could do. You could at least read about what it takes to [insert interest]”. So apply that to what you desire, and start trying. That’s your first step.

The Most

Meanwhile, there remain situations in life where all efforts lead to dead ends. Sometimes you do nothing but push yourself towards a goal, only to look up and find yourself exactly where you started. In this situation, trying is both the most you can do, and all that you’ve been doing. All that’s required of you now is to keep up this effort. In the midst of such, consider other approaches, for considering itself could be another form of trying the most.

I have been passionate about balance since I realised that life can pull you in different directions all at once, yet still be guiding you down the right path. To begin trying in areas of your life where it’s the least you can do, and to remain trying in others where it’s the most you can do is a great way to understand the importance of balance. Neither side of the scale should be heavier than the other.

From now on it will be my goal to aim for, and maintain equilibrium.

I am increasingly willing to accept that I may be the tiniest cog in the works… Perhaps it’s best to find peace with this. It will not make me stop striving for change, but it will take the focus off my own requirements and put them all on the issue at hand, where it belongs.

***

Hello, Hello, Hello!

I haven’t written a post in a while, and a lot has happened in the world since. That’s the go-to reintroduction in any space during the enigma that is 2020. Of course, you aren’t relying on me to give my perspective on recent events but I shall give it nonetheless!

Welcome to somevariables.

This post will cover 4 topics: Social Media, Revolution (a comeback), Education (+reading) and Passion. Yay, exciting! Let’s get into it.

Social Media

We know that it’s a double-edged sword. Through our usage we have the power to build up and tear down, and doing so has come with more ease than ever before. For example we saw the power of social media in the past few weeks with the ENDSARS protests in Nigeria and the awareness raised about coltan mining in Congo with the hashtag #CongoIsBleeding. These are things that were happening in the world which social media brought to our attention, specifically filling in the gaps that broadcast and print news companies left wide open. That’s what hashtags are all about and we are grateful for it.

I had a change of heart during the week because I held an underdeveloped opinion that social media activism is hardly activism. By that I meant sharing posts, using hashtags, expressing rage, and doing nothing else. But I read a tweet that shut me up, as it explained that we only found out about these horrible occurrences through social media itself, so it is clearly an effective tool towards justice and liberation. Why not carry it on?

The main qualm that remains for me is the extent to which we as a collective, with the same hopes of liberation in mind, believe that social media is the liberator. We all know that there is more to be done.

Raising awareness on social media platforms is the first step; it’s a method by which those in power can be pressured by tangible, acute and inescapable civil unrest, and make a move in the correct direction to fix the problem (though they scarcely do so, unfortunately).

But beyond raising awareness is actual change. This puts pressure on the literal movement of obstacles, which is not as easy as we would like it to be. Especially when the powers that should not be (I like that, learnt it from a flat earther documentary. I am not a flat earther though.) benefit from these obstacles being in place. Such a sticky situation leads me to my next point.

Revolution

Many people think they will see change now. Yet as time goes by it feels like we must accept that we might not see the change. Emphasis on the we, because I have heard people say that they don’t want to be fighting for the same causes that they are now when they’re old. But we can see that happening in this moment. Angela Davis has as much to say about Black Radical Unity & Power now as she did during the USA’s Civil Rights Movement.

How okay are you with change not happening in your lifetime? (see my poem, What Do You Think?) Will you accept that it could instead happen in someone else’s, or do you feel a right to experience that right now? This is not to be negative, as we have seen a lot of positive change in our years. However, changes on the macro scale such as poverty, corruption and racism seem to have roots that run so deep, that it will take generations to finally topple those hateful trees over.

I believe that the passion for a cause erases temporal desires. Yes things are urgent, but regardless of the timescale, it is something one should be timelessly passionate about.

I am increasingly willing to accept that I may be the tiniest cog in the works, or the faintest breath in the wind that makes the butterfly flap its wings. Perhaps it’s best to find peace with this. It will not make me stop striving for change, but it will take the focus off my own requirements and put them all on the issue at hand, where it belongs.

Do you agree? Let’s see how this approach holds up.

Education

I am reminded of the Toni Morrison quote where she said, “When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.”

I can relate this to education and reading. A lot of us have more knowledge than we give credit to, and therefore a lot more power than we feel at liberty to utilise. How amazing would it be if we always shared what we just learnt and spoke openly about the answers we have just been given? If some knowledge has freed you, it should not stop with you. You should free others with that same knowledge. This in my opinion contributes towards collectivism in the best way. In summary, it’s an “everybody eats” mentality and I am here for it.

Of course, sometimes sharing knowledge requires you to read the room first, but you’re smart enough to do that. Do not underestimate the potential you have to make a difficult concept more understandable because of how you, as an individual, will frame your sentences. There is a lot of power in your hands and no one holds that power like you do. Mix that with what you have just learnt, and that right there is unique and relevant teaching!

Reading

Along those lines, reading is also important. If there’s anything I learnt from the BLM movement earlier this year, it’s that fact checking what you read on social media is very important. Many terrible things are true, but the last thing I want is to spread fake news. I hate to write about it but it’s very relevant. Simply ensuring that what you are sharing is factual will go a long way. And developing your own opinion and perspective is more so important.

For example, sanctions. After the Lekki toll gate massacre on October 20th, there was a petition circulated to demand for the UK to impose sanctions on the Nigerian government. I wasn’t too sure of what sanctions would do, and any involvement from the west sounded fishy to me. So I did some reading and spoke to someone who knows more about this topic than I do. I then decided that signing the petition would not be the best idea, even though most people were pushing it.

Grassroots change is what we need. Not western intervention.

Rather than regurgitating popular opinion in the midst of rage and unrest, it is still important to check exactly what platform you are standing on and what you are promoting. We learnt this at school – sources, evidence, footnotes, comprehension… Let’s try to maintain these skills in the midst of social justice, where it matters the most.

Passion

This is a semi-tangent. But life has sparked a lot of curiosity in me lately, and my answers reside in books. I want to read so much more than I currently am – both fiction and non-fiction. I believe that claiming a passion (in this case, reading) should lead you to spending as much time on it as you can; perhaps even pressuring yourself (healthily) to keep on doing it, and get better at it.

I want to know more so I need to read more. Can you fill that sentence in for yourself?

Here are 4 books/essays on my own reading list:

• My Sister The Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite
• An End To The Neglect Of The Problems Of The Negro Woman! By Claudia Jones
• The Sellout by Paul Beatty
• The Future We Choose: Surviving the Climate Crisis by Christiana Figueres and Tom Rivett-Carnac

*

That will be all. Long winded, but compensatory in light of my absence! I hope this got you thinking about something.

This week I also realised that you should run with all of your ideas. No matter how small or irrelevant they seem. See what sticks – work on them until they become relevant, or until they evolve into something beyond your imagination.

Until text time.