To reinvent

IT’S TAKEN A WHILE TO ACCEPT THAT WHO I AM ISN’T EVEN THAT BAD. SO HOW MANY MORE PERSONAL TRAITS SHOULD I VEX?

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10.6.23 – 2:29am

I’ve been considering sobriety; to cut all substances out of my life and live fully aware, with no way to elevate my experiences, and no substance to relax me in them.

I’ve never been a consistently heavy drinker, but drinking in general is far from what I was raised to see as right. My faith encourages sobriety. Yes, we can drink, but to be drunk is where the line is drawn. I’ve crossed it countless times because it’s never felt that deep. I’ve had good, embarrassing, funny and dramatic times, and what’s life without that anyway?

I hardly relate to drinking because I’m running from something, or because I can’t have fun without it. So why was I considering sobriety? Was I just listening to the stories of alcoholics who quit to save their lives?

After some thought, I realised it may just be the latest thing I want to do in order to reinvent myself.

“Maybe if I stop drinking altogether, I’d be able to see clearer…”

That thought has been on my mind, even though I don’t drink enough for it to cloud my daily judgement. I go ages without it. So I feel like I’m grasping at straws at this point. I don’t doubt that never drinking again could help me in so many ways. It could bring me closer to God. It could do something. But what if this just paints a bigger picture of my dissatisfaction?

Why else would I be constantly chasing something new to reinvent myself? “Maybe I’ll try this, I’ll try that, I’ll take that approach, I’ll pick this up, I’ll go back here, I’ll re-open this conversation, I’ll try something different, something new.” Much like sobriety, any of the above could change my life. But the constant chasing of what could reinvent suddenly rings alarm bells.

I’m led to wonder whether the current version of myself is so bad that I really need to reinvent, again.

My disillusionment with Christianity has drawn links between the teachings of the faith and this desire for personal reinvention.

What can I do with that? My first answer is to keep striving for better while remaining satisfied with where I am, to take that pressure off. But it’s not like I haven’t been doing that already. My second answer is to remember that reinvention is in God’s hands, not mine. That would require trusting God enough to transform me. But as I mentioned here, I have grown apprehensive towards that.

We strive to be more like Jesus, and we hope for renewal, to be a new creation, for a clean heart. We want to transform up and up, while giving ourselves grace when we fall, because if God can give it to us, surely we can give it to ourselves. But I’ve noticed that this desire to be the best I can be, for God’s glory, has seeped into my self-perception. That is, to be constantly dissatisfied with where or who I am, because I am aspiring towards a near-optimised version of Adefela, much like the holiness that Jesus embodies (which feels out of reach to me, even though I’m “holy by being in him”).

So, contentment is what I hope for.

I’ve found myself without a desire to be like Jesus because I don’t think I want to be “like” anyone anymore. I think that leads to my disinterest in sobriety, as I view my faith as a large driving force behind the self-criticism that led me to considering it.

It’s taken a while to accept that who I am isn’t even that bad. So how many more personal traits should I vex? The practice of self-compassion has enabled me to see that. Perhaps that’s how I can stop chasing reinvention, and perhaps that’s what it means to be content. I want to stop looking so hard for ways to change and improve, since I’ve fallen deeper in love with who I am right now. Considering sobriety was the starting point.