Category: Weekly

WORTH BEING SEEN

***

Hey,

I abandoned my blog for seven months because some topics I wanted to discuss felt too personal, and I felt like I had nothing to give aside from unhinged rants that no one would care to read. But I suddenly feel like I have something to offer again. Let’s see how deep we can get.

Christianity

In many ways I have fallen out of love with God. And in many others I haven’t budged. I’ve found myself toying with go-to questions about Christianity, but in a more complex way than I could’ve imagined. I’ve also largely shut up about it because it’s emotionally draining.

I kept saying that God wont let me go until someone asked if it’s me that can’t let God go. Oh. I could just walk away from it all. But I realised that it’s true, I can’t let God go, because I don’t know how to live without him, and the world can be a very scary place. Where do I go from there? What about Psalms 73:25-26?

Anyway, as real and sure as God is to me, sometimes what I can feel, has all of my attention. That’s what people mean when they say heaven can be a place on earth. They say it’s encapsulated in moments of joy, pleasure, and contentment. For some people it’s all the heaven they need. That’s why they don’t care for eternity. I understand that.

Click here for a blog post I’ve just published about sobriety. I wrote it in June but felt too nervous to post back then.

Excited for adulthood

My sister sent me a TikTok that essentially said, you’re not “a 24-year-old teenager”. Grow up. It wasn’t personal but after watching it I decided to let go of a few things:

1. The fact that three years ago I was a uni student, and now I’m a video journalist (the passage of time is often destabalising)
2. Resentment directed at fate because I was thrown into adulthood during a pandemic
3. A desire for my schedule to calm down, paired with the subtle loss of spontaneity

I’m preaching a forward-facing mindset. Over time I’ve learnt how much of a killer nostalgia is – how much resentment it can create for the present and its pressures. I express this in my poem, Dare I:

I have spent just as much time looking forward to-,
as I have looking back
you can guess which is more tangible than the other

But sometimes it’s easier than we think to be optimistic about the future – to be eager to grow up and embrace adulthood despite its gnashing teeth. You will get bitten, of course, but I don’t want to fall into the trap of exoticising childhood as if my present has no value.

As an adult I am less vulnerable, I have more agency, more freedom, more money, more wisdom, more social skills, more direction. I am grateful for that. I wonder if you also see adulthood in this way, and whether you have any resentment towards losing a chunk of your adulthood to a pandemic out of everyone’s control.

Are you able to see what you’ve achieved since, or to look forth with optimism because you’re still alive, meaning there’s still a chance, for anything?

It feels like we can grieve the past while moving forward. Have you thought of being a 24-year-old adult?

BUT, just because I said we should be excited for adulthood, it doesn’t mean I am everyday. Sometimes when I’m going to bed I listen to Drama by Erykah Badu. She says,

I can't believe
That we're still living,
Oh, in this crazy crazy world
That I'm still living.
With all the problems of the day,
How can we go on?
So tired of hearing people say
How can we go on?

She released this in 1997! 26 years later I too can’t believe that we’re still living. But I’ll keep doing it anyway.

Copenhagen

I’m so proud of myself for going on my first solo trip in October. I used to say I’d never travel abroad solo because I hadn’t so much as booked a hotel myself before. How would I survive?! But after a conversation with an amazing friend I bit the bullet and did it. And I found so much joy in Copenhagen! I thought I was going to have a chance encounter there, or end up in a life-changing situation. But I think my purpose was to just go, and establish a higher level of being okay alone.

I put a picture of Nyhavn, a famous canal in the city, on my vision board in January. It was a beautiful moment to stand right where that picture was taken. I expressed my fears with dreaming big on a vision board because some things may not come to pass (keep reading for something that hasn’t come to pass). But this did, and it’s developed my confidence and self-trust because I came through for myself. Now I believe even more in my abilities to achieve what I want.

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Peace

I’m labelling mundane days as peaceful.

I’d had a slow day at work and wasn’t in a good or bad mood, just in the middle. By the time I logged off I felt like the day had been uneventful, and there was nothing to reflect on. But rather than dismissing it as a forgettable, mundane day as I usually do, I sat in the thought for a bit longer. I eventually saw the day as peaceful – no stress. I ate, I relaxed, I was home. I was safe, warm and calm. It was peaceful, not mundane. Will I remember days like this forever? No. But peace in those moments is something to value.

Love

This is actually something I put on my vision board this year, and I felt pathetic doing it but at least I was honest. To admit I wanted love felt like begging for something, it felt embarrassing. And because the word is on my vision board, it’s looked me in the face every day this year! I felt very vulnerable admitting to myself that I want to be in love. I feel so exposed even writing it, like I’m risking this feeling of incompletion. And yet… nothing!

Did I have options? Yes. Did I try? Yes. Am I in love? No. Am I close to it now? No.

Writing this tells me that I won’t die if I express the desire for something like love. The admission itself is a form of vulnerability that I’ve never been comfortable in. I’m not in love. But I didn’t die. So now I’m less fearful of asking for things I may not get, not as scared of being vulnerable in that sense.

That’s it from me.

Throughout this year, something kept telling me that no one cares about what I have to say, and no one cares about my blog. I listened because the things I did want to discuss felt too personal, and all my draft posts were very “stream of consciousness” and quite confusing to even read back. That’s been the state of my mind. Sadly it caused me to abandon a safe space I created for myself when I was 16. Life is so inconsistent and unpredictable in that way. I didn’t think I’d spend most of 2023 not posting here.

Never again may I forget that my voice is worth being heard and my words are worth being read. My story is worth being told and I am worth being seen, because I am a part of this world too.

Even if I get no views on this, that will remain true. So I should always express. And because of that, I hope I write again soon.

Do you think of how you communicate your existence to the world? Does it matter to you? Or do you think I’m just dramatic?

IT’S TAKEN A WHILE TO ACCEPT THAT WHO I AM ISN’T EVEN THAT BAD. SO HOW MANY MORE PERSONAL TRAITS SHOULD I VEX?

***

10.6.23 – 2:29am

I’ve been considering sobriety; to cut all substances out of my life and live fully aware, with no way to elevate my experiences, and no substance to relax me in them.

I’ve never been a consistently heavy drinker, but drinking in general is far from what I was raised to see as right. My faith encourages sobriety. Yes, we can drink, but to be drunk is where the line is drawn. I’ve crossed it countless times because it’s never felt that deep. I’ve had good, embarrassing, funny and dramatic times, and what’s life without that anyway?

I hardly relate to drinking because I’m running from something, or because I can’t have fun without it. So why was I considering sobriety? Was I just listening to the stories of alcoholics who quit to save their lives?

After some thought, I realised it may just be the latest thing I want to do in order to reinvent myself.

“Maybe if I stop drinking altogether, I’d be able to see clearer…”

That thought has been on my mind, even though I don’t drink enough for it to cloud my daily judgement. I go ages without it. So I feel like I’m grasping at straws at this point. I don’t doubt that never drinking again could help me in so many ways. It could bring me closer to God. It could do something. But what if this just paints a bigger picture of my dissatisfaction?

Why else would I be constantly chasing something new to reinvent myself? “Maybe I’ll try this, I’ll try that, I’ll take that approach, I’ll pick this up, I’ll go back here, I’ll re-open this conversation, I’ll try something different, something new.” Much like sobriety, any of the above could change my life. But the constant chasing of what could reinvent suddenly rings alarm bells.

I’m led to wonder whether the current version of myself is so bad that I really need to reinvent, again.

My disillusionment with Christianity has drawn links between the teachings of the faith and this desire for personal reinvention.

What can I do with that? My first answer is to keep striving for better while remaining satisfied with where I am, to take that pressure off. But it’s not like I haven’t been doing that already. My second answer is to remember that reinvention is in God’s hands, not mine. That would require trusting God enough to transform me. But as I mentioned here, I have grown apprehensive towards that.

We strive to be more like Jesus, and we hope for renewal, to be a new creation, for a clean heart. We want to transform up and up, while giving ourselves grace when we fall, because if God can give it to us, surely we can give it to ourselves. But I’ve noticed that this desire to be the best I can be, for God’s glory, has seeped into my self-perception. That is, to be constantly dissatisfied with where or who I am, because I am aspiring towards a near-optimised version of Adefela, much like the holiness that Jesus embodies (which feels out of reach to me, even though I’m “holy by being in him”).

So, contentment is what I hope for.

I’ve found myself without a desire to be like Jesus because I don’t think I want to be “like” anyone anymore. I think that leads to my disinterest in sobriety, as I view my faith as a large driving force behind the self-criticism that led me to considering it.

It’s taken a while to accept that who I am isn’t even that bad. So how many more personal traits should I vex? The practice of self-compassion has enabled me to see that. Perhaps that’s how I can stop chasing reinvention, and perhaps that’s what it means to be content. I want to stop looking so hard for ways to change and improve, since I’ve fallen deeper in love with who I am right now. Considering sobriety was the starting point.

LET’S FOCUS ON NOW…

***

In my last post I was on an extreme high. I’ve levelled out since then, but overall I have been happy over the past couple of months. I got a new job and my skin is clearing up so I feel a bit more confident (thank you accutane)! I look at my vision board and I truly see it coming to life. From things I wanted to start, like pottery, to travelling and spending time in nature, all I can do is be grateful. That word doesn’t seem like enough.

Gratitude, thankfulness, joy

The journey I’ve been on concerning my faith in the past year or so has been harrowing yet freeing. I’m excited for the further questions I’ll deal with and the certainty I’ll develop about a range of my beliefs.

I believe in God and I believe in life. I believe that provided one has a belief in God, a personal relationship with him is of the utmost importance. Grace flows from that. Everything else feels like decoration. And I believe that life does what it wants – it’s down to us to surrender to its force. We always land where we’re supposed to, because all timing is in divine alignment. That’s what I’ve stripped things down to.

I am grateful for my family. To live with them is to be surrounded by love at all times and I can’t ask for anything more. I still hope to be more expressive of my love towards them.

I am grateful for my friends. To deepen my relationship with them all is something I hoped for this year, and following a recent trip away with them, I see this hope coming to life too. I love them all so much – the ones I see often and the ones I don’t. There is no one in my life wasting space or constantly draining my energy. For that I am thankful.

I am not in love. But let-downs and disappointments in the past couple of years have only established much needed standards for me. I know what I can give and I know what I deserve and I know this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Adjustment period

Despite these certainties, I know I am still in an adjustment period. The light at the end of the tunnel is so bright that I may as well be out of it – but I am still not. Perhaps that’s due to daily ups and downs. And perhaps that means this so-called “tunnel” is just a figment of imagination…

Now, I want to work on my how I perceive my body, because I’ve been hyper-fixated and insecure about it recently. I’m not sure why. I also want to make decisions for myself with all trust, relying less on people’s input out of fear that my own approaches cannot be trusted. Additionally, I want to do more things that make me cringe because that’s where so much happiness lies. I’ve been making poetry TikToks and they are all a bit corny to me but I really enjoy producing them, so what’s the harm?

Self-acceptance is and always will be key. I once again remember that I should be happy with myself wherever I am in life rather than placing my happiness in a future version of myself – I have no idea how long I’ll be waiting, and there’s no certainty that I’ll be happier with that version when it comes anyway.

One last thing…

In 2021 I made a post about fearing the next chapter. I didn’t know what to expect next for myself, and it daunted me. I still have that feeling now, but it’s about feelings rather than my any future position.

I have a fear of what the overwhelming feelings will be in my next phase of life. I always assume they will be low, especially when I feel good.

Fearing the next chapter takes away from the beauty of the moment. So I will try to focus on feeling good now, and whatever comes next will be dealt with at the time. Let’s focus on now.

Thank you for reading ❤

SEEING THE FOREST FOR THE TREES

***

All I want to do right now is record happiness. I have never felt emotions switch so suddenly in my life and that’s no exaggeration. This time last week I felt there was a dark cloud over my head; I couldn’t figure out what was making me feel so low (though i did have a slight idea) and it was overbearing. But a few nights ago, my mood changed and I have been on a high since. Perhaps I should be worried by the immediacy of it all. But instead, I am embracing it. This is what it means to hold tight to your current loves as if you’ll never let them go.

Happiness has met joy and they are keeping me company. One of my favourite songs in the world is Evergreen by Yebba. I love when she says ‘Oh, I can’t see the forest for the trees. Oh, I feel so hopeless against the stream.’ That’s how it feels when you’re depressed, like there is no way out. When I feel like that, I wonder if I will ever feel happy again. Each time it feels genuinely impossible. And to be honest, I feel like I just got lucky with this sudden good mood I’ve been in.

In hindsight, a saving grace when I feel low may be the fact that there is a forest. In other words, a bigger picture to behold. And the bigger picture often tells me there’s more to life than anything I’m feeling, and there always will be. I must remind myself of this fact when I feel like I will never be happy again. Somehow, it eventually turns around. I’m marking the spot.

p.s: vision boarding works… things are coming to life!!

LET’S TRY TO DREAM

***

I felt upside-down when 2022 began, so I really wasn’t in the mood to set goals or dream big. However, there were three things I still desired, and I repeated them to myself and others again and again:

1. Publish my poetry book
2. Get a job I like
3. Be happy

All three were crazy endeavours. I published my book, secured a good internship, and spent the rest of the year freelancing. Happiness was a tide as always; it came and went. I felt depressed for the first couple months of the year but after that, things largely looked up. Looking back now, I think I attained the last two goals to some degree, even if they didn’t look exactly how I expected them to. There’s a poem in my book called The long way Home which describes that feeling.

In my last post I discussed how I’ve had to adjust in the past year and build resilience in a new environment. I now feel like accepting this truth has paved a way for me to dream big in 2023. This year I want to have more on my heart in the hopes of success and achievement. So let’s try something new.

Here are some questions I’ve answered in my journal as I plan my first-ever vision board. I got the questions from a YouTube video by muchelleb. Everything below is 100% true; the kind of sharing I avoid because I value privacy. But I feel like sharing. Perhaps this could help you to think about your year ahead too. I may not share the vision board when I complete it, so I will share this.

What’s the next chapter of my life about?

• Achieving financial certainty/stability/ease
• Committing to a creative endeavour
• Exploring (my) belief(s) and lack thereof
• Looking after my body: rest and gentleness

Who do I need to be?
Someone that is…

• Patient
• Positive-minded (Philippians 4:8)
• Self-compassionate
• Confident
• Brave
• Willing and eager to learn from my mistakes
• Direct
• Hopeful
• Genuine

How do I need to grow?

• Trust my own approaches. Advice isn’t law.
• Be softer and more loving and caring to my family
• Accept needing God when I realise it
• Turn jealousy into inspiration. Keep congratulating people
• Stop assuming people’s responses. Always ask
• Take less things personally
• Make healthy eating a priority – spend time cooking
• Speak to myself with love always
• Look at myself with love always

What skills do I need to learn?

• Adobe Photoshop
• TikTok
• Meditation
• Praying for others more
• Sew-in with a leave-out
• Flexibility – splits!
• Self-discipline
• Saying no when I want to say no
• Healthily detaching myself from people’s feelings when it’s best for me

What steps do I need to take to get there?

• Establishing a routine for working and non-working days
  • News @6am
  • Bible/prayer before I get up
  • Breakfast daily
• Remember discipline over motivation
• Start therapy
• Change environment when I’m restless/groggy
• Put effort towards a goal daily
• Be patient
• Break down goals
• Remember all timing is divinely in alignment
• Tell myself there’s no mountain too big for God
• Think with hope – challenge negative thoughts and anxieties
• Be actionable
• Make a vision board!

It’s still pretty generic. But that suggests a holistic approach to my dreams, I think.

I avoided vision-boarding in the past because the thought of ending the year without achieving it all was painful. But I don’t think I care about that much anymore. I can’t keep shielding myself from something that could be great out of such a trivial fear. We’ll see how I get along.

How would you answer these questions for yourself?

IMMA DO THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I’VE GOT!

***

Moving

I have had seven addresses in the past five years. Every year since 2017 has brought on suitcases and relocation. My only issue with all this movement was that I knew I wouldn’t stay anywhere for that long. Whether it was my uni accommodation or wherever I was living with my family, I knew it was all temporary. This harboured a desire for belonging inside of me. I desired the comfort of once again living somewhere with my family for the “foreseeable future”. That way I could really take off my shoes, really sink into a sofa, really fall in love with a room.

Then we moved out of London in February, and I finally felt like I belonged at home again.

But life is always going to throw some lemons your way. When you’ve spent your whole life in one area, growing accustomed to the way of life there, it’s natural to struggle to adapt to a new place. To go from where I grew up in East/Greater London, to deep Essex was a shock to say the least.

Despite my gratitude for being near grassy fields and quiet roads, I’ve found it quite hard to adapt. I tell my friends all the time how long it is to travel to anywhere in London now (since everything I do is still there) and even I am sick of talking about it. I didn’t expect transport to be such a thorn in my side.

But I realised you can never anticipate the upcoming root of so many issues in your life. An inconsistent bus? An expensive Uber? An M&S petrol station being your closest shop in walking distance? Yes! It surprises me anyway. The lack of access to a simple corner shop or close-by restaurant in addition to the price of the bus, trains and even Ubers has been chipping away at me for months now.

Knowing that most of my out-of-home needs can’t be met around the corner has made my appetite virtually disappear and any semblance of a healthy diet has long gone out of the window. I hardly have the motivation to cook or exercise, or even step outside for fresh air on most days I’m at home. Even my creative endeavours have been muted because executing them feels especially difficult. So I’ve spent the last nine months dreaming of moving back into an area I’m used to to finally bring my hopes to life and get myself back on track.

The bike

My only saving grace this whole time (besides the thought of a car) has been the thought of getting a bike. I got rid of my old one in February and I’ve been without one since.

So, after nearly nine months of complaining and procrastinating, my dad drove me to a local bike shop and I bought a bike. It’s light blue, and it’s amazing. When I rode it home that day a corner of my mind opened up again, and I remembered just how good I feel when I’m exercising.

The following morning, I cycled for about 45 minutes. Halfway through, I was faced with an uphill stretch. It was a cartoonishly steep bridge over a river. I’ve lost a lot of focus and discipline lately and my reaction showed that. Upon seeing the bridge, I almost turned around and cycled back home – I just couldn’t be bothered to put in all that legwork. But then I thought against it and decided to go.

And it was like a movie, an epiphany. I felt emotional as I willed myself to keep going over that river. As my feet pushed down those pedals and I tried to control my breath, the idea of resilience came to me.

I thought to myself, ‘perhaps I’m here to learn how to live when ease isn’t so accessible to me – when everything feels inconvenient. Maybe God wants me to learn how to operate when resources aren’t within arm’s length. Can I still create, thrive, grow and be productive when there are so many obstacles to doing just that?’

It was only as I pushed myself up that hill with nothing but the grace of God, weak thighs, and a dream, that I realised what all this is for. Life has not always been easy. Neither has it always been hard. I am just dealing with a different set of inconveniences.

So what now?

I now see the value in accepting new battles if only for the purpose of growing the list of things you can overcome. You could eventually turn that into the list of things you’re not afraid of.

I don’t have the area I grew up in at my beck and call anymore. Neither do I have a bus to the station that comes every 5 minutes. I don’t have access to a train journey below £10 and I don’t have a driving license (my test is booked for early next year, pray for me!!).

However what I do have, is dreams and ambition. So I will use the resources currently available to me, whatever they may be, to bring my dreams to life – no matter how they may turn out. In other words, I will do the best I can with what I’ve got! And I will no longer shy away from an opportunity as blatant as this to grow and develop some resilience.

The most beautiful thing about it all is reconciling this realisation with self-compassion. There are days where I am so frustrated that I don’t do anything. But I have more patience with myself on these days than I did a year ago.

I am learning about life as always because I am having new experiences. It’s a perspective I really needed.

SOME NOTES TO SELF, AND TO YOU…

***

1. My heart never stopped beating for me. I thank it and I thank God
2. Remember to focus on what truly matters. It will calm you down when you feel overwhelmed
3. There’s no need to be intimidated by façades. No one is worth being intimidated by; we’re all putting up fronts, somehow
4. Love is a spell
5. Trying is the least and the most you can do in any situation. To really live is to try
6. The fact that I am still alive means that there is still a chance, for anything
7. I am beautiful and amazing
8. Hard work + self belief = greater proximity to self-assurance, satisfaction, success. It’s the only way to chase my goals and obtain them fearlessly
9. All my answers are inside of me. I just need to ask ‘why’ until I locate them. I can unearth solutions from within
10. God is eternally gracious
11. I should not let people’s opinions hinder me. I must allow myself to do what I want
12. It’s okay to be ‘unremarkable’. It’s a wasted fear, because we’re still alive
13. I’m still quite introverted and that’s great because it is a piece of my younger self that I have held on to
14. Paying attention to what moves you (big or small) is a guidance towards your passions
15. I have survived everything I have ever gone through and I will survive all the more
16. Just because something is free/paid for, doesn’t mean you need it
17. I don’t have to ask so many people for advice. It confuses me and keeps me in indecision, and the final decision I make may not even feel like my own
18. Work with the bones if that’s all you have. Or the tiniest thoughts – work with those. There is always something on your heart and in your mind. Work with it. Its existence is proof of its workability, so do it. Work with insignificant ideas until they evolve, transform or stop being so
19. Self-honesty is a step towards personal freedom
20. The conviction of winning is tentative. Celebrate it the moment you realise it. All too often we discredit ourselves and feel like we’ve achieved nothing
21. Lessons aren’t confined to the tail-end of mistakes. you can learn anything, anywhere, for any reason

What do you know for sure?

DON’T TELL ME IM OVERTHINKING THIS…

***

In every decision, I wonder if he would approve. I try to wrap my head around accepting God for who he is rather than questioning the things I don’t like or understand about him. I should not want to change God. In fact, I should want to be just like him. But I don’t like him sometimes, and telling myself that he is outside of my understanding doesn’t pull the wool over my eyes like it used to. Trying to unlearn that inclination feels like a dangerous game, like I’m throwing knives into the air and watching them shoot down towards my face. I could lose my eyes.

I’ve been warned against questioning too much because it killed the cat, and I’ve been encouraged towards resting in the unknown. Who vetoed the assumption that that approach to life would satisfy us all? Individuality makes no space for such a set-up.

Some of us are really trying to grasp who God is and there is little love shown towards that wondering.

I default to telling myself it’s my flesh causing me to question and that I should only embrace it so much. I’m no longer aware of who I can talk to about it because I don’t want to pull anyone down with me.

In an Uber today I didn’t put on my seatbelt. I briefly thought to myself that if I died in a crash for that reason in that moment, I would be okay with it. I feel trapped in God and I don’t know how to get out. The paradox lies in the fact that there’s still nothing better than him. But perhaps that’s a default conclusion for me too. I am lost.

An answer that has been proposed to me includes speaking to God about it and spending more time in the Word. But I don’t want to read it, it feels like my head is being pushed into the ground to ignore the chaos all around. It feels like avoidance. Though I am still scared of my head being chopped off if I stretch my neck out into the chaos for too long.

Another resolution is to do what I want and see where it gets me. Oh how dangerous that would be – I have a bright future.

I feel pain when I think of people who are like me, getting closer to God, while I am just slipping away. My hands are losing the ability to hold on to anything, they are apprehensive, they have lost all trust. The last prayer in my lungs is for it to make sense to me for the first time. Authentically. 

I’VE BEEN WONDERING WHAT I CAN HOLD ON TO…

***

Everything in life is coming and going so quickly, as if nothing has meaning. Meanwhile, I know that everything does. Mostly. Fleeting, is stability, love and hope. Happiness, clarity, and contentment. So the secret to life is balance. You can apply it to any situation when you feel like you’re doing too much or too little of something. That’s what I tell myself.

Lately I have experienced lessons in self-compassion. If you think you lack it, you should read Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff. I am reading it very slowly but it is changing my mindset for the better.

Pushing myself had turned into punishing myself and I didn’t like that. So over the past months I have learnt to be kinder to myself, speak kinder words to myself, and practise patience with myself. I learnt that I don’t have to be harsh to be successful. Success can derive from love as well. It’s an approach I prefer.

Every night, I put down my phone and lie on my stomach. One leg is bent at 90 degrees and I have one or both arms on my silk pillowcase. I think to myself, I hope my mind doesn’t go where it’s been going every night for the past few months. But just like that, thoughts plague me. People, habits, worries, regrets. Wonderings – if I could just go back and change something… where would we be now if it never ended… look how much changed in a year… I wonder what next year will be like… will things slow down soon… will I be in the same place for 7 years, accompanied by memories that fail to radically change with time? My childhood wasn’t like that.

Seasons are changing again; I can feel it. That’s why peace is hard to find every night. There’s so much I realise I haven’t let go of when I lay my head. Heartbreak is the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced. And none of it even lasted that long. But I have carried hurt for months upon months now. This feels different because it was placed on me. This pain isn’t a result of my inner-turmoil, but rather a result of opening myself up to the possibility of love. I was unlucky.

The craziest thing about this season changing, is the fact that I hardly dwelled in it. I’ve spent the whole time feeling unadjusted, getting to grips with a new environment, and now it’s changing again. That’s why I’ve been wondering what I can hold on to.

I fall asleep eventually.

And then I wake up.

My birthday is soon. I’m not particularly excited about it. But I’m excited about the month of July because it is the month of my birth. I tell myself that only good things happen in July. It makes sense to me.

I think I still have joy, deep down. I may presently be at the depth of a rollercoaster but I am never without hope. Joy continues to trump happiness. I guess that’s what I’m holding on to.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE. THE PHYSICAL WILL ALWAYS REFLECT THE MENTAL – THE SEEN WILL EXPOSE THE UNSEEN.

***

So this is what it means to be figuring things out…

Still lost

I wish I had more to say because I haven’t written since December. I made it clear enough in Peace in my mess, that I don’t have an assuring grip on life anymore. I have been floating around ever since. Sometimes I feel very free because of it. My book really helped me with that. Other times I’m fixated on the fact that there’s more freedom to possess. But it leads me to thoughts of whether any freedom I attain will be enough. It’s in my/our nature to crave an impossible satisfaction.

A plan

People always advise having a plan; one that you don’t necessarily have to stick beside, but an idea of your future nonetheless. I would like to implement that advice into my own life because I listen to clichés. But I can no longer see past a few months at a time. Up until a month ago, I couldn’t see past February 23rd. But I started an internship this month that I could only dream of. It’s for 6 months. So, I know what I’ll be doing until September. But that’s it. I don’t have a 1-year plan talk less of a 5-year one.

I was meant to make a vision board this year, I just remembered. But I am afraid that there will be nothing on it. I don’t know what I want anymore. I left 2021 so deflated that my only aspirations were my book, a new job, and happiness. I am almost there. Now I’m hesitant to ask life for more in the upcoming 9 months. What if I am disappointed? I know there’s no telling really. Now that I’ve achieved something big, I strangely wonder if I am strong enough for anything bigger. I’m paralysed by this new fear and I have never been scared of dreaming big before.

Lazy?

I have dimmed my light a bit, to come across unknowing of how much I could achieve. Then I get lost in my mind wondering if it’s faux humility, delusion, laziness, or nothing at all. There are people so close to me that I didn’t tell about my book because felt like I was being self-concerned – bragging or asking for money. I have regrets from some brave behaviour in the past. Bravery is another fear of mine.

Novelty

Sometimes I think very far ahead. And I see novelty eventually wearing off everything – myself included. Pure dissatisfaction. I worry that I will get bored of my career and hobbies, a husband and children, travelling, my faith, living…

Because novelty can wear off anything. So I don’t really want any of it. All of that makes the present very bleak and that makes me existential. I wonder what the point is of anything. So, befittingly, my biggest goal is contentment.

In the water

Somehow I am still happy – I achieved that goal.

I know happiness is a tide. But for now it’s here, and I’m in the water.

Whenever I reach this conclusion, I calm down a bit. “Well, at least you’re okay now.” Perhaps that’s why I don’t like long term plans anymore – I know that not being okay is on its way.

I have made choices lately that probably aren’t the best for me. But I’m hiding behind my youth concerning it all. Maybe I’ll learn something from this. Maybe I’m just 22 and figuring life out. I get what that means now.

But no matter what, I always hope that I will reach my truth in the end.