Maybe I’m just tired

My head’s been hot for so long
and I’ve been waiting for the cold to seep in
But now that it’s here I’m reminded
of what I ran away from.

I’ve spent so long running from what I could feel
that running is what I feel to run from too…

But maybe I’m just tired.

Oh what if the sun is down when I wake up
And the blinds are too low
And I don’t want to move
And I think of all my affections…

Maybe I’m just scared.

but I don’t know how to fight this fear
even with God on my side

I should be honest with myself.

I fear the emptiness I’ve been running from
has been inside me all along
The base feelings I’ve been taking about
and the Malibu at the bottom of my cup

I’ve just been distracting myself
from who I really am
and that’s quite hard to deal with…

But maybe I’m just tired.

When will I cry

This song is pulling the pain out of my heart
a mass of incompletion yearning for expression
from a source that could not provide
But since bodies float to the surface when there’s no life left
I guess my ocean wasn’t so deep after all
I’ll be like Ophelia in the water
petals and leaves floating around me
As rhythm expresses what I had inside all along
It was the weight of my mind
fooling me into thinking I could never rise
Now it’s the beat of my heart,
fighting to be realised
It pushes me up a final time after I pass away, singing
To be victorious I must find glory in the little things, father take all the fears and sorrow from my life
And it plays through the waves
Lifting what’s left of me back to the shore, where I should have been all along
Music is helping my heart to sing
And it’s telling me that I’m not dead yet
I still have inside of me the ability to live
Because my heart never stopped beating
or searching for a vessel to express all it was carrying
Once again I am indebted to it
Thank you for keeping me alive
when I thought I was dead and gone

Where did this start?

Cycles

words I wrote a year ago
turned up again

focusing on my shortcomings
it seems I never let them go

So I’ll stop searching for progress
Since I never find I’m better

As it resonates year by year,
same old story, record and player

They’re gathering dust
that I mistook for glitter

Still

and I’m frustrated by phrases inside that I can’t force into verse
some things enter the mind in silent beauty
and fail to come out the same

I’m frustrated by living solo
that’s happening more lately
as windows provide a live feed of the world passing me by
on trains I never board

Frustration: my dreams.
I’ve maintained my ambition and changed my perspective

that’s a pivot
and it’s all I have to say

frustrated by strange new addictions picked up on the road,
brand-new habits I desire and fail to implement,
never pushing them past the deep down

They should take up the space I prefer.
I thought I got my space back a year ago
but somehow nothing else has moved in

now that space reminds me of the same old tenants.

draw a line under it
your pain, failures and defeats
Draw it
even if your wrist hurts
and your arms are tired
lift them however you can
and start Anew

Dare I

I’ve been staring at old photos of myself
denying narcissism and self-obsession,
convinced there’s something behind that fixation

this nostalgia isn’t going anywhere,
so I suppose things aren’t getting better…
I’ve been staring at old photos for years.

it’s May and it’s still raining
how did February 23rd feel more hopeful than this?
dare I take back the hope I professed
when I asked if You made it through winter?

this is more than days melting into each other
it’s remembering that there’s no such thing as a day
and you’re the only thing that gives life meaning

you have to infuse life with it,
like a damned robinsons mini summer fruit
and you have to watch colour float around mundane life,
so slowly that you begin to wonder if it will ever change completely

I remember that troubles don’t last
but some battles seem so bleak.
I know that time has no choice in its passing
but why does it move so slow?

I have spent just as much time looking forward to-,
as I have looking back
you can guess which feels more tangible than the other

Did You make it through winter?

did you sleep through what you thought was winter
with 2 blankets
only to open your eyes and find
that it was still dark,
causing you to roll over
and stay in bed for longer?
But then realising that troubles don’t last,
did you wake up one day
to the sun shining outside,
finally,
onto dry pavements
and windowpanes?
Has it happened yet,
that you feel optimistic
for the year ahead
despite the chaos all around
and uncertainty of each moment?
Among it all,
is joy filling your heart
slowly but surely from the bottom up,
lovingly deciding to stick around
until the end of year celebrations?
Have you yet recognised
the power to achieve anything you desire
as the thing that you carried in your arms
day and night
throughout this season
as the dark sky overpowered
the presence of light in your life?
Are you now seeing what is confirmed
as hope at the end of your tunnel?
They said things are looking up
and it’s the first time
you’ve felt that in months
now it’s real
You made it through winter
whether you dragged, drugged, persuaded or willed
yourself to do it
in the face of all your tribulations
You did it
and you will do it again,
just like you always have.

Uncomfortable

After realising you
We sit together for a while
You, a truth I’d hate to accept
And I, the one who needs you the most

While my gut, the one who is deep inside
Says there’s something about you
That doesn’t sit right

I can’t put my finger on it.

Tomorrow

what is it about Tomorrow?
so full of hope and promise
Tomorrow that keeps me going
because life will be clearer then

Tomorrow i’ll turn on all the lights
and film myself dancing
because i’ll be up to it,
in a better mood, better

i will go for a walk
because i could use the fresh air
and i will feel inspired
to start something new

but when Tomorrow comes around
nothing changes but the hours
this old bed is still so low
and my inspiration is still so far

Tomorrow, a day away,
is truly further than that
so far that it isn’t real

so i wonder when i will feel better
and have the strength to do what i desire
since Tomorrow is an empty promise
that never comes around