Author: somevariables

i love to write about how i feel.
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I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m doing!

You can’t always see the bigger picture when you’re standing on the canvas and painting what’s in front of you.

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I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m doing!

I accept this with a light heart but I mean every word that I write.

I do not know, and I have no idea what I am doing. Perhaps it’s hard to believe that I’m purely existing right now, but it’s closer to the truth than anything else I have to say.

I started nursery at the age of 3, then headed to reception, primary school, secondary school and sixth form, then university. Now I am here. Back in my house in Dagenham, after 17 years of education and obligation.

I have learnt and gained a lot and now it’s time for me to put it all into practice. However my desire to do nothing is far more compelling than that to show the world the skills have developed during my time in education, where I followed the rules and did what I was told because children and teenagers can’t think for themselves, not really.

And deep down I always knew that I’d reach a point where I lacked clarity and had little to say when people asked me what my next step is. Sometimes I’m okay with that being my reality and sometimes I am not. That’s the overall tone of life – “sometimes I’m _____ and sometimes I’m not”.

Last week I wrote down all of my names and what I want to be called in the future. For the first time I was able to really distil what I have always been (my names) and what I would like to be (career-wise). It’s the closest those words have ever been to each other and it was a wakeup call that perhaps, I am more decided than I presumed.

I’ll do it again here:

Adefela, Eniola, Ifeoluwasimi, Lois, Eyidayomi, Olowoselu.

Journalist, poet, screenwriter, author.

That’s who I’ve been, who I am trying to be and who I will be in the future.

In light of not knowing what I am doing with my life right now, these names and words act as an anchor and provide me with the security that there is still a purpose for my life. You can’t always see the bigger picture when you’re standing on the canvas and painting what’s in front of you.

I have no problem with not knowing what I am up to, and being unsettled in the fact that a lot of my future seems to rely on me having good ideas and recognising if and when they come.

As it stands, I am currently living life as an individual in society. That sounds jobless and abstract and I’m not ashamed to say that perhaps it’s just that. Obligation-free, I have faith that my future is just something I don’t have the full blueprint for just yet, and that’s okay with me.

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Mayowa is a cliché

Reloaded!

What is the most cliché thing about you?

Mayowa listed more than one thing that she perceives as cliché about herself.

She discusses how they have navigated her life, and how the thoughts and feelings that stem from these clichés are clichés in themselves.

I like how she ended the interview most of all. To phrase it loosely: ‘I used to think that if you don’t succeed at something the first time, then you shouldn’t be doing it. That’s not true though.’ 

Inspired by the 2017 SoulPancake video, “What is the Most Cliché Thing About You?”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzeCUSvjSLs

 

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Cornrow Kenny

I’ve been trying to develop my skills on Premiere Pro – this is my latest work!

It’s been years since I learnt how to cornrow, but this is my neatest set yet!

I have always been interested in hair, and I thank God every day that this interest led me to learning how to look after my own hair when I was 12.

I think I’ll be filming, editing and posting more hair videos because it’s something that I am passionate about. But, there’s no record of that online!

It’s not that posting things online is the only indication of their existence, but more so that there are parts of myself that I enjoy sharing here, and I want to add hair to the list.

Maybe I will start filming some videos about my skin journey too – it has been, and still is a bumpy ride, lol! (no pun intended)!

Now, if I may.
Ahem: Cornrow Kenny, he was born with a vision
All morning with the mixed dashboards, triple digits
Parallel park like an alien came visit
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2020 is a growing pain

2020 is a growing pain
as close to the climax of hope
life comes tumbling down.

Well, the year didn’t come
with a pain-free guarantee
Nor did it hear you say
“this year I’m focusing on me”

because years have no conscience,
nor do seconds, minutes or hours
It’s your job to handle the pressure
not the 366 time devours

In light of bad news,
rescind your “2020 be good to me”
simply because
it had no obligation to be

Yet luckily your conscience remains
so be good to yourself
At least, growing pain means growth
…eventually.

Sometimes there are only lessons
no loss or gain.
2020, what a teacher~
she’s no movie, just good pain

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How easy do you find it to be vulnerable?

How easy do you find it to be vulnerable?

Take 2: Here, Funmi tries to figure out how she can be more comfortable in her vulnerability around her family and friends. She understands the value of being open, but some things are easier said than done.

However, she lets me know that she’s trying. I believe her.

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What’s the most cliché thing about you?

What’s the most cliché thing about you?

Take 1: Here’s a snippet of Mayowa’s answer. I might make this into a full video soon.

She wonders if it’s cliché for a first generation immigrant child to feel pressured by their parents’ expectations, even if the expectations may be constructed by the individual themselves. Is it cliché for her to be unsatisfied and disappointed in herself as a result of this?

How much can you relate?

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Choice

you must make yourself happy
as no morning is free of assurance.

open your eyes
past pessimism
and dead plants

sleep with windows open
as good music
flows out to the ears of
new friends you’ll make

for it’s not elusive
to place your hope
in higher things

to be happy,
choose to be happy.

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Looking Up

After I claim 99% and reject 1,
I keep my head down
and focus on my labour

dream about fruition,
plan my future
break all inhibitions
pray when I wake up –
God is closer than ever

I stop deactivating good things
And start starving the bad,
contentment clears old desire.

in the back of my mind
I hear seeds burst
at the birth of roots,
soil opening at the rise of shoots

but then I take a chance and look up.

Looking Up is the problem;
I focused for so little time that
what I ran from wasn’t far behind

Looking Up is my problem.
for truly it’s not been long
since my seclusion
for incubated growth.

Reservations remain and I see just how long life is
Believe when I say there are enough minutes in a day
you feel that when you try to move up and away

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Old

Minimal effort ground to dust
the self-certified chalk
that I used to lock
my old self away.

Now, I feel the old way again,
boarding trains of thought
that I left in an old city
with old feelings and old memories

You bring them back.
That’s all I’ll say about that
yet you don’t have to do much

I’m the weak one,
hopeful, delusional and lonely
You seem self-sufficient
calm, content, satisfied

I’ve met you atop your staircase,
held you by the legs
You’ve sat on the banister
with my arms round your shoulders

Never minding,
you have never minded
but I wish you did.
As that would lock old selves away
with the steel bolts they deserve.

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Trim, bodies

you’d rather cling to the dead
than bury them instead
and it’s because you like the company.

clearly anything will do for you
provided it takes up     space

but bodies that smell of completed cycles
have become one with your plain,
now you can’t tell the difference.

And some bodies are best left unexhumed
as their presence is worse than the first

remember they’ll vex more than when they rotted
and you’ll yearn for that pre-shovel pain.

Maybe some things shouldn’t be shared.

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