I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m doing!

You can’t always see the bigger picture when you’re standing on the canvas and painting what’s in front of you.

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I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m doing!

I accept this with a light heart but I mean every word that I write.

I do not know, and I have no idea what I am doing. Perhaps it’s hard to believe that I’m purely existing right now, but it’s closer to the truth than anything else I have to say.

I started nursery at the age of 3, then headed to reception, primary school, secondary school and sixth form, then university. Now I am here. Back in my house in Dagenham, after 17 years of education and obligation.

I have learnt and gained a lot and now it’s time for me to put it all into practice. However my desire to do nothing is far more compelling than that to show the world the skills have developed during my time in education, where I followed the rules and did what I was told because children and teenagers can’t think for themselves, not really.

And deep down I always knew that I’d reach a point where I lacked clarity and had little to say when people asked me what my next step is. Sometimes I’m okay with that being my reality and sometimes I am not. That’s the overall tone of life – “sometimes I’m _____ and sometimes I’m not”.

Last week I wrote down all of my names and what I want to be called in the future. For the first time I was able to really distil what I have always been (my names) and what I would like to be (career-wise). It’s the closest those words have ever been to each other and it was a wakeup call that perhaps, I am more decided than I presumed.

I’ll do it again here:

Adefela, Eniola, Ifeoluwasimi, Lois, Eyidayomi, Olowoselu.

Journalist, poet, screenwriter, author.

That’s who I’ve been, who I am trying to be and who I will be in the future.

In light of not knowing what I am doing with my life right now, these names and words act as an anchor and provide me with the security that there is still a purpose for my life. You can’t always see the bigger picture when you’re standing on the canvas and painting what’s in front of you.

I have no problem with not knowing what I am up to, and being unsettled in the fact that a lot of my future seems to rely on me having good ideas and recognising if and when they come.

As it stands, I am currently living life as an individual in society. That sounds jobless and abstract and I’m not ashamed to say that perhaps it’s just that. Obligation-free, I have faith that my future is just something I don’t have the full blueprint for just yet, and that’s okay with me.