did you sleep through what you thought was winter
with 2 blankets
only to open your eyes and find
that it was still dark,
causing you to roll over
and stay in bed for longer?
But then realising that troubles don’t last,
did you wake up one day
to the sun shining outside,
finally,
onto dry pavements
and windowpanes?
Has it happened yet,
that you feel optimistic
for the year ahead
despite the chaos all around
and uncertainty of each moment?
Among it all,
is joy filling your heart
slowly but surely from the bottom up,
lovingly deciding to stick around
until the end of year celebrations?
Have you yet recognised
the power to achieve anything you desire
as the thing that you carried in your arms
day and night
throughout this season
as the dark sky overpowered
the presence of light in your life?
Are you now seeing what is confirmed
as hope at the end of your tunnel?
They said things are looking up
and it’s the first time
you’ve felt that in months
now it’s real
You made it through winter
whether you dragged, drugged, persuaded or willed
yourself to do it
in the face of all your tribulations
You did it
and you will do it again,
just like you always have.
Uncomfortable
After realising you
We sit together for a while
You, a truth I’d hate to accept
And I, the one who needs you the most
While my gut, the one who is deep inside
Says there’s something about you
That doesn’t sit right
I can’t put my finger on it.
Do Not Be Intimidated By Façades
“Today I realised that when what I do gets no attention, I must consider that perhaps I’ve been doing it for myself all along, and this was necessary – the way it was meant to be.“
***
It’s one of the things that you forget about when it matters the most. You may only remember it at the height of worry, self-hatred and loathing.
You may realise, that a lot of what you dislike about yourself is an indirect result of what you like about other people. For some reason, the presence of their strength only highlights your flaws, as if you’re meant to be two peas in a pod – when really, they are someone you just saw online, or someone in your life who is so similar to you that they might as well be a reflection of you – an incomplete one at that, since right now, you have placed them in a category above yourself. Nonetheless, their proximity to who you are or who you want to be is actually irrelevant. You just forgot that.
You forgot that you should not be intimidated by façades, as much like the people around you, there is a polished version of yourself that you present to the world, the acceptable and most ideal version that is available. Somehow you forgot that other people are also presenting their best, fake, and aspirational selves, and you’re allowing yourself to be intimidated by them!
This is a sad story that we’re familiar with, and if you’re not, I admire you because I’m not there yet. It’s truly frustrating when you forget about what matters when it matters the most. I forget that when I compare myself, I am chipping away at my happiness. I also forget that holding myself back in the fear of failure and disregard is in fact stopping me from ever having anything to hold or improve on.
Today I realised that when what I do gets no attention, I must consider that perhaps I’ve been doing it for myself all along, and this was necessary – the way it was meant to be. This is a way for me to understand that attention doesn’t hold any value, and that not everything I do must be done in the hope for commendation and awe. That’s what matters when there is no one looking my way and I’m consequently being overly critical of myself.
When you’re restricting your potential, what matters is the fact that if you don’t start now, who knows when you will? You should start. What matters when you feel insignificant is the fact that the only noteworthy significance is the one that you acknowledge about yourself. Now it doesn’t matter how people perceive you.
So, do not be intimidated by façades, because what matters in that moment of intimidation is that it is indeed a façade – it is hardly real. And even if it is real, it’s not a cue for you to feel small.
Every time your hope feels lost, shift your focus to what actually matters in the moment. You’ll dispel many myths about who you are and what you should truly be concerned about, and your mind will feel just a bit closer to free.
A long walk that jill scott would be proud of :’)
Tomorrow
what is it about Tomorrow?
so full of hope and promise
Tomorrow that keeps me going
because life will be clearer then
Tomorrow i’ll turn on all the lights
and film myself dancing
because i’ll be up to it,
in a better mood, better
i will go for a walk
because i could use the fresh air
and i will feel inspired
to start something new
but when Tomorrow comes around
nothing changes but the hours
this old bed is still so low
and my inspiration is still so far
Tomorrow, a day away,
is truly further than that
so far that it isn’t real
so i wonder when i will feel better
and have the strength to do what i desire
since Tomorrow is an empty promise
that never comes around
-ther
We are different yet somehow the same, predictable while completely unknown, we see ourselves in each other despite foggy mirrors, there must be something inside that we identify with, something that calls us home in each other only to make us homesick by the time we meet, we are sick of each other with no where else to go, and those that take their own leave are grieved for a while before we focus on ourselves again, we are all so special yet extremely unsensational, our lack of individuality causing projections of inferiority toward each other, only to gather by the fire when it’s cold at night to sing togetherness to life.
Who are we to each other, and do we belong together? Who is to say what’s right and wrong when we’re replicas of each other, you, myself in the future and me, yourself from the past. And us in the present is a ball of confusion, wondering how we got here, easily forgetting that one leg was yours and the other was mine, we walked here together. And we’ll lay in bed together too, the one that we made, with our full and divided attention, and we’ll tug the cover from each other as dawn turns into dusk, opening our eyes to the foggiest silhouettes and reflections of each other, with fear and recognition hanging in the morning air.
Reading this back, I can see how it may be interpreted as a take on a toxic relationship. This is partially correct, but I would like you to scale it up. It is about the dysfunctionality of the human race – something cliche but eternally true. We have the Conservatives and the Labour party, Democrats and Rebublicans, pro-life and pro-choice, capitalists and the loosely opposing socialists and communists. Funnily enough, despite their differences, none can exist without the other. Humans disagree with eachother all the time, yet we are extremely codependent. We love and hate ourselves simultaneously. It’s like we were born with an autoimmune disease where discontent continually ferments on the inside. Yet, it is chronic and can never be fully cured, only managed. We can’t live with ourselves niether can we live without. This is interesting.
The invasion of the Capitol in DC made me think about a lot yesterday and this is one thing that came out of it. Yet, in hard times I always feel a small degree of safety, somehow. Not as if harm will never reach me, but more that there’s something inside me that will keep me truly protected. I think that’s God. I will never stop being passionate though, or unfalteringly aware of the dangers around me as I live with humans just like myself, who spew love and hate both inwards and outwards as long as there is breath in their lungs.
Company
I give my dying passions a warm goodbye,
Thank you for helping me.
They are loves I’m no longer fixated on,
unfinished stories with pens drying beside them
and movements I grew away from
In leaving them all I forged an extension of myself:
– an incomplete project is still worth commendation
for at one point it kept me company
and that’s all there is to it
I’m no longer frustrated at what I stopped doing,
lost interest in,
simply abandoned
For my heart knows when it meant a lack of effort
and that is a different story
But to the things that faded away with time,
I appreciate what you did for me.
And I look forward to what I’ll embrace in the future
While holding tight to my current loves
as if I’ll never let them go.
Why You Should Trust Every Process
“all processes are worth trusting, even the ones where everything feels like it’s going wrong because you messed up… This is for the times when life replaces peace with fear in your heart.“
***
The way the past makes me feel has changed a lot over time. Many things I regretted and hated myself for no longer stir up those same emotions inside me. Now, I feel more gratitude, relief, happiness…
Hindsight is a blessing, a beautiful thing. It’s taught me to trust every process that I go through because I may eventually understand why they happened, and realise that it was best for them to have gone the way they did.
I want you to have this perspective too, if you don’t. Bear with me as I give an example.
Backstory
Parts of my primary school went under reconstruction when I was in year 6. Although summer came before the work was complete, I found myself watching the builders during playtime, so intrigued by their work and how they brought the structure to life. By year 8, this obsession with buildings transformed into a love for architecture. I got so excited at the sight of skyscrapers in Canary wharf, beautifully designed homes on Grand Designs, and renovations on Homes Under The Hammer. I’d decided to become an architect!
But fast forward to sixth form, my love for the career faded away as I constantly failed the subjects that I needed for an architecture undergrad. Besides that, I had no portfolio of work for my applications because I was and still am terrible at drawing (lol); it never excited me. Though I was in denial about it for a while, I finally accepted that my dream was no longer adding up; it wasn’t true to me anymore.
On the phone to a few universities during year 12 exam season, I was reminded that besides 3 A’s, I need a portfolio of my work to gain admission to an architecture course. I looked over at my bed, knowing that I didn’t have what they were asking for – questioning the genuineness of what I’d hoped towards for so long.
Yet on that very bed sat a notebook that I’d been writing in for a while. It held thoughts, flash fiction, and ideas for novels and writing that I wanted to develop. Like an epiphany, it came to me that I’d been working on my portfolio all along – just for the wrong subject. Later that day, I decided to study English literature at university, and soon after I made it a joint honours with creative writing. That was May 2016. In July 2020, I graduated with a 1st in English with Creative Writing.
What’s my point? (TLDR)
The focus of this story is not the outcome, but the process I went through to get there. The day I made those phone calls, I was anxious. It felt like I had been setting myself up to fail all this time, and this was the finale. Unable to see how my life was going to get better from that point onwards, the situation felt bigger than me and I was beating myself up for not realising my truth earlier.
But too often we forget that life plans to work itself out in its own timing, and we should have faith in this fact. If I could, I would tell my 16-year-old self that my life is not over because I changed my mind about my career path. I’d also add that this process is worth trusting. Realising and accepting my love for writing and absence of such for architecture that day steered me down the correct path at the exact time it was supposed to.
Perceiving ups and downs
I refer to this time in my life because it reminds me that all processes are worth trusting, even the ones where everything feels like it’s going wrong because you messed up – and it did feel that way. This is for the times when life replaces peace with fear in your heart.
No story is without ups and downs. And when we retell them, we speak about the downs knowing that things worked out eventually. Even if they didn’t, they are part of a bigger story that we haven’t finished writing yet.
The value of hindsight
You should trust every process, failure, success, misunderstanding, miscalculation, mistake, the lot, at any stage you encounter them. Believe that they are part of a longer story that is yet to be complete. Zoom out and consider what this could mean in the bigger picture: something beautiful and worthwhile!
It’s time to use hindsight to our advantage when we are in the thick of turmoil. If we know that things can turn out okay in the end because hindsight has taught us so with our past experiences, we can use this knowledge to calm ourselves in the midst of the storm.
We can use it to our advantage and trust every process from now on, believing that things are working out the way that they should; they have done so in the past, and we must have faith that they will continue like this.
Try to accept uncertain times as pivotal segments of your story. I believe that this mindset helps to calm anxiety and fear in moments of overwhelm, reminding us that trusting all processes is the key we need to hold on tight and live through them, fearlessly.
Until next time!
Hair Love
I took so many photos on this day and I don’t know what to do with them all lmao. So enjoy this one! It was my first time trying out this style and I loooved it! I love afro hair so much; the versatility it possesses is unmatched and I am grateful to have it growing out of my own scalp. Also, happy 2021! I’m very excited to try out new hairstyles this year.
The Art of Trying
“…life can pull you in different directions all at once, yet still be guiding you down the right path.“
***
Why I am writing this
It’s been a difficult year for most of us, and I feel the need to reemphasise the importance of balance.
In some situations we are helpless; our options for solution are minimal and there’s little we can do to make our problems go away. This is the anthem of a pandemic. Although we have modern medicine and precautions such as quarantine and social distancing, no one can grind a such a crisis to an instant halt.
On the other hand, there are situations where all we need to do is apply ourselves and focus in order to see the change we desire. Yes, you are stuck at home or out of a job, but one day of trying hard to complete an application may be all you need to make the most of what you have during this time.
Not necessarily out of a rut, but building something special inside of it.
The Least
When there is something you want to achieve and there are obstacles to pass over in pursuit of it, trying is the least you could do. That is, for example, starting one part of an application, drafting that email, talking to that person, or simply accepting something to be true.
If someone were to ask, “Well, have you even researched what it takes to [insert interest]?” Your answer should be yes. Because if it weren’t, an immediate response could be, “Trying is the least you could do. You could at least read about what it takes to [insert interest]”. So apply that to what you desire, and start trying. That’s your first step.
The Most
Meanwhile, there remain situations in life where all efforts lead to dead ends. Sometimes you do nothing but push yourself towards a goal, only to look up and find yourself exactly where you started. In this situation, trying is both the most you can do, and all that you’ve been doing. All that’s required of you now is to keep up this effort. In the midst of such, consider other approaches, for considering itself could be another form of trying the most.
I have been passionate about balance since I realised that life can pull you in different directions all at once, yet still be guiding you down the right path. To begin trying in areas of your life where it’s the least you can do, and to remain trying in others where it’s the most you can do is a great way to understand the importance of balance. Neither side of the scale should be heavier than the other.
From now on it will be my goal to aim for, and maintain equilibrium.
Some Variables 