Why I Sleep Unsatisfied

The world has its own way of establishing balance in so many areas of life. It’s only right to apply those to my own.


Since finishing university, I have had many days where I go to bed feeling unaccomplished because there hasn’t been much for me to plan and achieve.

So to give my days purpose, I started writing to-do lists. I knew that such structure would direct my days and steer me towards productivity. But over time they’ve become debilitating.

It seems that I’ve created new pressures in my life that eventually make me feel like I haven’t achieved much if my list isn’t complete by the end of the day. I go to bed feeling unproductive and like I have failed – I take structure too far.

I have embraced the idea of obligation-free living more than I have actually lived it. It’s like looking out of the window and never going outside.

I’m still saving shows and YouTube videos to indulge in when I feel like I’ve done enough work to deserve it and I’m starting to see the danger in this.

What doesn’t help is the fact that being obligation-free means that my life is largely in my hands now, and I need to make moves that will help my future – more freelance writing, improving my online presence, and applying for schemes that will help me in whatever way they can.

There is a necessary balance to find between self-given obligations such as this and relaxing. It’s about time that I start searching.

Balance – that’s what life is all about, and that’s what I have boiled many thoughts down to lately. I’ve written before that the grass is only greener on the other side for a season. Good times come and go – so do periods of obligation. The world has its own way of establishing balance in so many areas of life. It’s only right to apply those to my own.

There’s a lot I want to do and I know I can achieve it. But it won’t be achieved if it’s all I think about – I’ll get tired of myself and question the point of it all.

I’m not sure how close I am to finding balance in my life but I believe that accepting the fact that I need it is a step in the right direction.

TL;DR: Diary entry from 08/06/2020

“I have been bad at not pressuring myself while in lockdown. I still feel pressing needs and I am creating obligations because I struggle to feel productive without them. But in the end, it cripples me and makes me wonder what I’ve achieved, if anything.

I don’t know. The need to do better has dictated my life and I’ve been cool with it. I guess it’s not always good though.”

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