Capable

GOD, IS THAT YOU? COULD I BE AN ARTIST?

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Maybe it’s relevant that I turned 25 last week. Maybe it’s a turning point. I hope it is for my blog specifically.

Yesterday I spoke to someone I don’t see very often. He asked how I’ve been and I sighed – don’t we all. We either say I’m here, life is lifeing, I’m good…

I went home wondering if it’s best to be more specific. How was your journey here? I like your top! You look happy (even if you don’t). Something! I get tired of the same old conversation, how are you… And I ask it myself because we want to know how each other are doing. I think there’s a sharper entry point to conversation though. Or else we’ll just start talking about work.

WHO AM I?

I’ve been in touch with existentialism for as long as I can remember. Like when I was younger and would have moments where I’d repeatedly ask myself who I am until I lost a total grip on reality. Sometimes I still do that to see if I’ve still got it.

A couple months ago I decided to stop speaking and journaling about how directionless I feel in life. All I have been able to see are roadblocks in front of every possibility. To be honest most of those blocks are myself and my apparent inability to get up and do what’s best for me. So I stopped addressing it because self deprecation isn’t fun to express nor hear.

I have been enjoying Mariella by Khruangbin ft. Leon Bridges. Oh what a beautiful song, I’m writing to it right now. I don’t believe in past lives but if I did I would have heard this one in it. Serenity, nostalgia, heartbreak, longing and yearning for something out of reach. Incapable of finding all the words. That’s what the song sounds like. So beautiful. Elements of my life feel like that song.

My blog hasn’t been the same since this post in 2021: Peace in my mess. (Untangling the earphones of life). Nobody was asking me to figure life out on this platform but I truly lost any semblance of an ability to continue doing that – I don’t really have much to say anymore.

But perhaps there’s value in returning every year to reiterate that. Lol maybe.

IS THIS MINE? THIS IS MINE.

It’s July 2024. A year ago I was settling into my job. A few months prior, I didn’t have one. But now, I have a job, a car, and healthy relationship. I’d been struggling to own any of that. In those three areas I’ve felt like I am playing house. Like I’m just pretending the car, relationship and career belong to me and deep down they will all go one day and the real me that doesn’t have much will resurface. Maybe that’s easier to accept than life bringing to reality the things that have been waiting for me to arrive.

But, unexpectedly, after my 25th birthday, I suddenly accepted that this is mine and I can get on with it. I can be the adult I’ve been in denial of technically being for the past few years. I know we all struggle to believe we’re the new adults but perhaps we don’t need to ‘believe’ it if we just know it’s the fact.

MY CAREER

I have been in journalism for about three years now, as a student to a freelancer to a full-time employee. I chose the career because I wanted to learn about the world and feel smart. And I have the writing and video editing skills to do it. But what I really want to be is an author. I want to write a novel! I want to look out of the window and experience life and let my work flow from it. These are some things I’m figuring out with my new therapist. I like her.

It’s something I’m gradually accepting. It’s just been a bit difficult for me because I chose stability after university and I am worried about adapting my lifestyle to something that’s more precarious with a lower income (for now!) I even told myself it’s better to be a video journalist because if I was a normal journalist I’d lose my love for writing. But I haven’t even tried that out to be so sure of it. I produce videos almost every day at work and I don’t get tired of using the software after hours for my own passions. Who’s to say writing can’t be the same?

I DON’T KNOW

Oh I don’t know. It would be interesting to see my blog transform into a collection of things I don’t know. I must tell myself that doesn’t mean I have nothing to say. What I have to say, is that I don’t know. There is no benchmark telling me that’s not good enough.

I think there’s enough advice flying around anyway.

MY SELF-TRUST

An epiphany I’ve had recently though, is how much my overthinking is linked to a lack of self-trust. When it comes to decision making I’ve learnt that it’s best to just pick something and stick to it. If it turns out great then amazing! If not, I must trust myself enough to get out of a sticky situation.

For me, self-trust is the ability to make a choice and know you’re capable of dealing with the outcome. Do I see myself as capable? Do you see yourself as such?

Can the practice of swift decision-making develop your self-trust in the long run? Can you just pick something when overthinking rises and navigate the results? I hope I can. I will in time.

SO…

I told people that I’d leave journalism if I had somewhere else to go. Nothing really piques my interest like novel writing. And art, I’d like to be an artist. One of my aunties visited last week and saw a couple pictures I painted at sip and paints. She noticed my initials on them and was really impressed. “Me?!” I said, when she told me this. Disbelief – lol I am so bad at art. She said no. The paintings are nice. And I must say, i’m getting better at pottery too. God, is that you? Could I be an artist?

Could I be anything? They told me this 20 years ago, but is is still true, that I can do anything I put my mind to?